Curiosity: Your Biggest Asset in Influence
This weekend, I read an article in The New York Times that had me nodding the whole way through. Julia Minson, a Harvard professor and author of How to Disagree Better, shared a story about talking to her father-in-law, a lifelong conservative and Army veteran, about immigration.
It was a tough topic, and they had very different viewpoints. But instead of a shouting match, they had a respectful conversation. Why? Because she used the same techniques she researches and teaches.
It was such a great reminder. Listening first. Staying open. Showing curiosity. These simple things make a difference. Of course, we know that in theory. But when tension rises or someone says something we strongly disagree with, we often forget. Our bodies go into fight or flight. We either try to win the conversation or avoid it completely.
That’s why I wanted to share a few of the practical tips from Minson’s article. Not just because civil conversations are more important than ever, but because they connect to something I see in my work every day. Influence doesn’t come from pushing harder. It comes from making space. Space for others to feel heard, to open up, and eventually to align.
Show You're Listening
Minson’s research shows that when we express a real desire to understand someone’s view, they become far more open to hearing ours.
In studies that ranged from U.S. politics to the Israel-Palestine conflict, the clearest sign of a productive conversation wasn’t agreement. It was curiosity.
When people believed their conversation partner was curious about their perspective, they trusted them more and liked them more. In some cases, even more than someone they already agreed with.
So how do we show that curiosity in real conversations?
Try These Phrases to Signal Receptiveness
1. Start with curiosity Before sharing your opinion, try asking:
"How are you thinking about this right now?"
"What’s top of mind for you here?"
"Can I ask what feels most important to you?"
These questions send a clear signal. You’re not just here to talk, but also listen.
2. Reflect back what you hear Simple reflections can change the tone quickly.
"So it sounds like you’re focused on X. Did I get that right?"
"Let me make sure I’m following you. You’re saying..."
You don’t have to agree. But when someone feels heard, they are much more likely to stay open.
3. Soften your Language. If you’re offering a different perspective, avoid sharp or absolute statements. These can make people feel talked at or shut down.
Phrases to avoid:
"That’s not right."
"You’re missing the point."
"Actually, it’s more like..."
"That’s just wrong."
"Let me tell you how it really works."
Even if your intent is neutral, these can come across as combative, condescending, or dismissive.If you’re offering a different perspective, avoid sharp or absolute statements. Instead, try:
"Sometimes I wonder if..."
"One thing I’ve been thinking about is..."
"What if we looked at it a different way?"
These phrases keep the conversation collaborative, not combative.
Keep in mind, most people don’t shift their thinking in a single moment. But they do come back to people who make them feel respected.
So whether you're navigating politics with a friend, or trying to get alignment on a project at work, take a breath, listen well, and create space for another conversation.
Curiosity builds trust. And trust builds influence.
What’s helped you navigate disagreement more constructively — at work or beyond?
