Less Talking, More Listening

I had two experiences this past weekend that reminded me one of the most important communication skills is one we don’t often teach at Lighthouse: listening.

One was a political debate with my family. The other, small talk with a new family in the neighborhood. And in both conversations, I interrupted a couple of times. I also felt frustrated when I was interrupted—or when I started to speak and someone looked down at their phone. Are they even listening?, I wondered. Should I stop talking?

Why do we do this? I don’t think it’s because we want to be rude or dismissive. Maybe it’s that we worry we won’t get our turn. Or maybe it’s a desire to connect—to show we relate that causes us to chime in before the other person is finished. Sometime are intentions are good, but the effect isn't always.

I’m going to challenge myself for the next month to be a better listener. If you want to join me, here are three small things that can help:

1. Put the phone away. Even glancing at it sends a signal. If the goal is to connect, give the person in front of you your full attention—even for just a few minutes. My husband and I are trying out "phone baskets" for the evening with our kids. We will put our phones away to try to be fully present. I will let you know how it goes:)

2. Face them fully. Don’t angle your body like you’re half-listening or about to walk away. Square up. Make eye contact. Let your posture say, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” It’s a small shift that can change the whole tone of a conversation.

3. Ask one more question. Instead of jumping in with your own story, try a follow-up like: “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?” Or "Tell me more about..." In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg notes that the best conversationalists make people feel heard by drawing them out—not by jumping in. One more question can open the door to a deeper connection.

Do you have other listening best practices? Please share.